Hi, I’m Deb,
I am the mother of two sons, one gay, one not, and the grandmother of two beautiful grandchildren, orientation as yet unknown. I am on the board of Fortunate Families a national group of Catholic Parents who advocate for our gay sons and lesbian daughters, and a Parent Support Team member for my diocesan Lgbt ministry. I am here tonight because I am involved as a volunteer in MGLCC’s Youth Empowerment Services program, and my husband and I are safe house hosts.
You have heard a lot tonight about traditional and non-traditional families. And we agree; things need to change for our families. Things need to change NOW. I personally believe we have to begin with our churches, and challenge our pastors.
We are working with the children and young adults who have been affected by hate, by messages they or their parents heard in church, by messages they get from a bigoted society. We are working with the homeless or transitionally housed youth of the center; housing and feeding kids who have been discarded by their families. I have a gay kid I do not understand the concept of Disposable children.
(Ok, I raised two sons, I did get the occasional urge to toss them out; but not permanently, certainly not for this!!)
I went to the Urban Youth Initiative Conference this weekend. Had High Hopes. These are folks who care about kids, so maybe the session Breaking the silence – talking about Homosexuality in Youth would be positive. I was warned it would not. But hope springs…??? I knew that I probably had a different theological take on this, but we all care about the kids. Right?
When they introduced someone from Love in Action as one of the panelists…I knew we were headed downhill. I listened to bizarrely un-scientific and mean spirited explanations of how kids become homosexual.
I heard repeatedly that same sex attraction was a sin, well one of them said, MAYBE not THE worst sin, definitely a sin, and you should tell them so. And you just tell them to stop it, and you just tell them to pray about it, and change. Their presentation included ‘gay political agenda’ and how government is against them in this fight. (Oddly, both liberal and conservative government?) By the time we got to the “written” question and answer phase… I was physically shaking. I saw that my question was going unanswered as we came toward the end of the session, so I interrupted and asked it myself.
My question was this: Will you take responsibility for the gay kid who tried to commit suicide in my house, because of just such hate messages as this? The room got very quiet.
I told them I had hoped to hear something pastoral here today, something about God’s love for these children. I have heard nothing. You are talking about children who are told who they love and how they love is evil, and they get so screwed up that they can’t even feel God’s love. They can’t believe they are worthy of God’s love. You call yourselves pastors; well I will tell you that unless you can reach out and say God loves you, and not add the “but” then you are NOT a pastor. You are the reason these messages are in the community. You share responsibility for these kids being bullied and tormented. You have to help stop your abuse of these Children. I told them I was housing these kids thru the center, and that I was tired of seeing the damage they were doing to these kids.
So, this is my contribution to the discussion. I have challenged my own bishops and cardinals in the same way. These are our kids. We need to love and care for them, to nurture them. I know we are all sinners, that was the topic of the entire workshop, but how we love is not the sin, forgetting to love…that’s the sin.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
more processing, sewage plant type processing.....
I am still processing the events of yesterday. There were things said, things that made no sense to me at the time, things that had a bit of a creepy feeling about them. I am glad I didn’t/couldn’t think straight to add them to the post them yesterday. There have been a lot of folks dropping in to the blog. I wanted it to describe what I/we felt yesterday. But there was enough sludge to go around; I didn’t want to add to it unnecessarily.
I want to be clear… yesterday morning was awful. We were sitting in a room where four people who call themselves people of God called the people we love sinners… because of who they love. I get that we are all sinners. But the only redeeming thing about us as sinners is our ability to love. That is the best part of us. So for them to say to anyone, that the fact that they love or who they love is a sin just does not make sense to me.
The panel was an odd group of folks. One of the ministers, in trying to help us understand that any sex can be sinful, shared that he used to have several women a day in his youth. See, I’m a sinner too. Another shared that his sister’s friends had abused/used him in his pre adolescence, see I’m a victim too. But the oddest testimony came from someone who … well I had already wondered how big the closet is at his house… that he took young gay men camping, just to show them what normal is. I can’t explain it, but you know that creepy feeling you get when your gut says it’s bad, but your head doesn’t know why? This was a creepy statement. From a creepy guy, who my guess is hasn’t dealt with his own gender orientation issues. The last panelist was the ‘scientist’ who explained the spiritual DNA to us. No wonder they don’t usually address same gender attraction at these events. They don’t seem to have anyone who can handle it. With only one exception there was a level of contempt about the whole subject. See, this is sin you can quit and come back to God anytime you want. Make sure you tell them that. I think that is where my/our angst about the whole thing comes from. Michelle and I have heard this whole line of bs before, but we usually are in a setting where we can respond. Immediately, “No, I think you are wrong, and this is why.” Somehow, it makes it easier to deal with this kind of stuff in dialogue. One bite at a time, but you can spit it out. This was more like an evil IV that we could not stop. By the time we got to the q&a, and saw them look at the questions, realize we were not there to support them, and watch them shuffle things around, we both had a desperate need to pull out the IV needle. Creepy guy had my card. Creepy guy was planning to answer the side about Leviticus and ignore the question about the suicide. We had all the emotional abuse we could take, and it just erupted. When I interrupted creepy guy I was shaking all over. I had a break in my voice, and tears in my eyes… and yet, the right words came, the Holy Spirit was helping me speak what I know to be true. God loves these kids, just like He loves me. And He loves us even thought we are sinners, but our sin is not that we love. Our sin is not that we love, it is that we forget to love.....
I want to be clear… yesterday morning was awful. We were sitting in a room where four people who call themselves people of God called the people we love sinners… because of who they love. I get that we are all sinners. But the only redeeming thing about us as sinners is our ability to love. That is the best part of us. So for them to say to anyone, that the fact that they love or who they love is a sin just does not make sense to me.
The panel was an odd group of folks. One of the ministers, in trying to help us understand that any sex can be sinful, shared that he used to have several women a day in his youth. See, I’m a sinner too. Another shared that his sister’s friends had abused/used him in his pre adolescence, see I’m a victim too. But the oddest testimony came from someone who … well I had already wondered how big the closet is at his house… that he took young gay men camping, just to show them what normal is. I can’t explain it, but you know that creepy feeling you get when your gut says it’s bad, but your head doesn’t know why? This was a creepy statement. From a creepy guy, who my guess is hasn’t dealt with his own gender orientation issues. The last panelist was the ‘scientist’ who explained the spiritual DNA to us. No wonder they don’t usually address same gender attraction at these events. They don’t seem to have anyone who can handle it. With only one exception there was a level of contempt about the whole subject. See, this is sin you can quit and come back to God anytime you want. Make sure you tell them that. I think that is where my/our angst about the whole thing comes from. Michelle and I have heard this whole line of bs before, but we usually are in a setting where we can respond. Immediately, “No, I think you are wrong, and this is why.” Somehow, it makes it easier to deal with this kind of stuff in dialogue. One bite at a time, but you can spit it out. This was more like an evil IV that we could not stop. By the time we got to the q&a, and saw them look at the questions, realize we were not there to support them, and watch them shuffle things around, we both had a desperate need to pull out the IV needle. Creepy guy had my card. Creepy guy was planning to answer the side about Leviticus and ignore the question about the suicide. We had all the emotional abuse we could take, and it just erupted. When I interrupted creepy guy I was shaking all over. I had a break in my voice, and tears in my eyes… and yet, the right words came, the Holy Spirit was helping me speak what I know to be true. God loves these kids, just like He loves me. And He loves us even thought we are sinners, but our sin is not that we love. Our sin is not that we love, it is that we forget to love.....
Saturday, March 27, 2010
They tried to warn me...
Ok, They warned me.
When Bob and Will and I talked about the Urban Youth Workers Institute being held at Ms Blvd Christian Church, both of them used term vomit fest. It had been brought to our attention that the ReLoad conference had a session called “breaking the Silence: dealing with homosexuality in youth.” They were positive that the message would be nauseating. My buddies at FF did a little research… not promising. The presenters were not on record anywhere that we could find, but there were former presentations on line. It was pretty bad stuff. Ethel (Michelle) decided to go with me.
(Luckily, I made a wonderful decision to go to 8am Mass before this..vomitfest. Fr. Herbert’s sermon was on doing the work of God and not expecting it to be well received. As he put it, Jesus was doing the work of the Father, and look what happened to him. To get to Easter, you have to get past the cross. It was a good emotional message to begin the day…)
But... back to Vomitfest...
I was sure that I could find some common ground on which to start the conversation. These people are in youth ministry. These people care about children. ??? How hard could it be to start the conversation?
Online, the event said it would start at 8:30, and I had called ahead to find out my session began at 9:30. Got there at 9:15, the general session started at 9 (actually closer to 9:30) and we began with hip hop church music. Hmmmm. I had smugly decided I was there to observe, but within minutes I began to enjoy the music, speakers and particularly the preachers. Bodes well for what’s to come … right? They were welcoming folks, with helping kids as the message, and it was a lively service.
We broke at 10:30 for the workshop sessions. Our room was ½ full, maybe 40-50 of us? They asked us to get up and come towards the front. Without intention, Michelle and I ended up on the front row. We sat, side by side in our “you are always welcome at the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception … God Loves Us All” t shirts. The panel introduced themselves and explained the format… They would answer a list of questions and at the break we would be able to ask questions (in writing) that would be answered in the second half. The panel included 2 male and 1 female minister, and the guy from Love in Action. Uh oh, we are headed downhill.
Some of the panel questions were: Is homosexuality a bigger sin than other sins? Should homosexuality be considered a civil right? What is the cause of homosexuality- genetics or formation or choice? How do liberal or conservative governments help or hurt in this ministry? (sounds pastoral? Not!)
The panelists spent a lot of time talking about the SIN. The phrases they chose to use were ‘lifestyle’ and sexual choices, etc. I knew we would be on separate sides of the theological debate on whether this was sin… I didn’t’ realize it would be so nauseating to hear. Almost too much to repeat.
And there was the ?? silly??
Did you know there are some things that 'seem like dna' but are just training, 'like jewish kids are born knowing how to handle money! One of the panelists suggested that there was spiritual dna and physical dna, and if you have ‘had relations with someone who had had a homosexual relationship, then that persons spiritual dna could become attached to yours… and it could be a generation or two before it ‘shows up’… and then a member of the audience added that the sins of the father were visited on future generations. Then there was the suggestions of curses... that would fall on the next generation.(oh, lord)
We got to the break where we were supposed to write out our questions. I said loudly to Michelle – I thought I would hear something pastoral? Something about love? I caught the eye of Rev Nekko and repeated the statement. (and I have to credit this panelist with putting his next few statements in the context of love- but then he had to go with the ‘telling truth is love and this is a sin’)
Michele’s question was “when did you choose your orientation?” On one side of my card I wrote Abomination? How do you reconcile shrimp and pork?”… and on the other side I wrote “are you willing to take responsibility for the gay child who tried to kill himself in my house last month, because he didn’t believe he is loved by God, because of these messages?” We watched as they looked at my card, and one at a time reacted with shock. You could see the shuffling of the cards, and it really looked to me like they were going to attempt to avoid all but one or two. Ours were not at the top of the list.
One of the questions they began to answer, included in the answer Nekko’s first pastoral sounding comments. One of the audience thanked him for it, said this was about talking to kids about love…the LIA guys said he had another question about love, but the ‘answer’ to this love stuff needs to be about truth and the truth is this is a sin.. then, I interrupted and said “That was my question” and I restated it for the room. We heard a hushed murmur. I said, “Guys, I was hoping today to hear something pastoral. I was hoping to hear that there are ways to love these kids. I volunteer with the gay and lesbian community center, and I house kids who are rejected by their parents, and homeless because of messages like this, suicidal because of messages like this. I will tell you, if you cannot take someone’s hand and say God Loves You, and not add "but", then you are not being pastoral. You have to be able to tell these kids they are loved and they deserve to be loved. I have a gay child, and I will tell you I was a virgin when I married his father, so there shouldn’t have been any ‘odd spiritual dna floating around’ and I can’t imagine my parents or grandparents ‘cursing’ this child of mine, so while I can’t tell you how it happened, I can tell you this. He is loved, as is Michelle’s gay brother, loved for who they are, children of God.” The panel at this point went into their “isn’t that awful and there must have broken families who gave them these messages”… almost talking over each other. And God bless ’em fell right back into the “we have to communicate love, but we have to tell the truth. This is sin.“ Michelle then piped up, “what about my question, I asked when each of you decided your orientation, when did you decide you would marry someone of the opposite sex. When did you choose, when did YOU choose.”
It was about this time that panel decided to break for lunch, and that those of us who still had questions could stay for a few minutes. We intended to pick up our stuff and get out (and shower) but got separated and the conversation continued with Michelle holding down fort with two of the ministers, and I got the other two. The Love in Action guy and the more ‘pastoral’ Nekko felt the need to talk to me. LIA asked if I had a card, and offered me his. He wanted to continue the conversation. I told him that I knew all about him, and his group, and that I had no need to talk to him. He said I didn’t know him. I said I knew enough. Nekko the youth pastor and I at least had an intelligent conversation about the collateral damage these kids have become.
We agreed that we come at the issue from different angles
me: oh, don’t tell me you believe anything in Leviticus… you have willingly thrown ‘catfish, shrimp and pork’ out, along with sleeping with your menstruating wife… so don’t use Leviticus as a bat to bash the kids with.
Pastor Nekko said..but Paul,
and I stopped him with- you have also discarded a lot of what Paul said. You are proof texting to make your point. What did Jesus or any of the prophets say about this? Do you think Jesus never met a gay guy, or there just wasn’t anybody there with a pencil to write it down?. At this point LIA says- Jesus never mentioned marijuana either… I looked him in the eye, and said ‘oh, you don’t get someone my age started about Pot… and hello that is not the issue.
I told them that I believe gay is not ‘broken heterosexuality’ but is something different, a different orientation.
In the end, we agreed that the kids need to hear a message that God loves them, and that we can talk about ways to do that. I gave him Will’s card, and suggested he stop by MGLCC, and visit with Will about how to help.
Michelle held her own, since she is not a Catholic, and can spout verses and numbers with the best of them. And her argument ended as well with quotes about love. We left shaking, teary eyed, but feeling like we had done our best, and that the Holy Spirit had been guiding us. It was a gut wrenching morning, and I hope I don’t have to do it again soon, but I may end up in dialogue with the young Pastor Nekko… And while I know that we didn't change minds... maybe we helped to plant the seed of a change of heart.
Then we got out of the building, still shaking, and headed home.
A shower, Hard Liquor and Potato Chips. And breathing… remembering to just breathe.
This Catholic Mom is headed to take a nap!
When Bob and Will and I talked about the Urban Youth Workers Institute being held at Ms Blvd Christian Church, both of them used term vomit fest. It had been brought to our attention that the ReLoad conference had a session called “breaking the Silence: dealing with homosexuality in youth.” They were positive that the message would be nauseating. My buddies at FF did a little research… not promising. The presenters were not on record anywhere that we could find, but there were former presentations on line. It was pretty bad stuff. Ethel (Michelle) decided to go with me.
(Luckily, I made a wonderful decision to go to 8am Mass before this..vomitfest. Fr. Herbert’s sermon was on doing the work of God and not expecting it to be well received. As he put it, Jesus was doing the work of the Father, and look what happened to him. To get to Easter, you have to get past the cross. It was a good emotional message to begin the day…)
But... back to Vomitfest...
I was sure that I could find some common ground on which to start the conversation. These people are in youth ministry. These people care about children. ??? How hard could it be to start the conversation?
Online, the event said it would start at 8:30, and I had called ahead to find out my session began at 9:30. Got there at 9:15, the general session started at 9 (actually closer to 9:30) and we began with hip hop church music. Hmmmm. I had smugly decided I was there to observe, but within minutes I began to enjoy the music, speakers and particularly the preachers. Bodes well for what’s to come … right? They were welcoming folks, with helping kids as the message, and it was a lively service.
We broke at 10:30 for the workshop sessions. Our room was ½ full, maybe 40-50 of us? They asked us to get up and come towards the front. Without intention, Michelle and I ended up on the front row. We sat, side by side in our “you are always welcome at the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception … God Loves Us All” t shirts. The panel introduced themselves and explained the format… They would answer a list of questions and at the break we would be able to ask questions (in writing) that would be answered in the second half. The panel included 2 male and 1 female minister, and the guy from Love in Action. Uh oh, we are headed downhill.
Some of the panel questions were: Is homosexuality a bigger sin than other sins? Should homosexuality be considered a civil right? What is the cause of homosexuality- genetics or formation or choice? How do liberal or conservative governments help or hurt in this ministry? (sounds pastoral? Not!)
The panelists spent a lot of time talking about the SIN. The phrases they chose to use were ‘lifestyle’ and sexual choices, etc. I knew we would be on separate sides of the theological debate on whether this was sin… I didn’t’ realize it would be so nauseating to hear. Almost too much to repeat.
And there was the ?? silly??
Did you know there are some things that 'seem like dna' but are just training, 'like jewish kids are born knowing how to handle money! One of the panelists suggested that there was spiritual dna and physical dna, and if you have ‘had relations with someone who had had a homosexual relationship, then that persons spiritual dna could become attached to yours… and it could be a generation or two before it ‘shows up’… and then a member of the audience added that the sins of the father were visited on future generations. Then there was the suggestions of curses... that would fall on the next generation.(oh, lord)
We got to the break where we were supposed to write out our questions. I said loudly to Michelle – I thought I would hear something pastoral? Something about love? I caught the eye of Rev Nekko and repeated the statement. (and I have to credit this panelist with putting his next few statements in the context of love- but then he had to go with the ‘telling truth is love and this is a sin’)
Michele’s question was “when did you choose your orientation?” On one side of my card I wrote Abomination? How do you reconcile shrimp and pork?”… and on the other side I wrote “are you willing to take responsibility for the gay child who tried to kill himself in my house last month, because he didn’t believe he is loved by God, because of these messages?” We watched as they looked at my card, and one at a time reacted with shock. You could see the shuffling of the cards, and it really looked to me like they were going to attempt to avoid all but one or two. Ours were not at the top of the list.
One of the questions they began to answer, included in the answer Nekko’s first pastoral sounding comments. One of the audience thanked him for it, said this was about talking to kids about love…the LIA guys said he had another question about love, but the ‘answer’ to this love stuff needs to be about truth and the truth is this is a sin.. then, I interrupted and said “That was my question” and I restated it for the room. We heard a hushed murmur. I said, “Guys, I was hoping today to hear something pastoral. I was hoping to hear that there are ways to love these kids. I volunteer with the gay and lesbian community center, and I house kids who are rejected by their parents, and homeless because of messages like this, suicidal because of messages like this. I will tell you, if you cannot take someone’s hand and say God Loves You, and not add "but", then you are not being pastoral. You have to be able to tell these kids they are loved and they deserve to be loved. I have a gay child, and I will tell you I was a virgin when I married his father, so there shouldn’t have been any ‘odd spiritual dna floating around’ and I can’t imagine my parents or grandparents ‘cursing’ this child of mine, so while I can’t tell you how it happened, I can tell you this. He is loved, as is Michelle’s gay brother, loved for who they are, children of God.” The panel at this point went into their “isn’t that awful and there must have broken families who gave them these messages”… almost talking over each other. And God bless ’em fell right back into the “we have to communicate love, but we have to tell the truth. This is sin.“ Michelle then piped up, “what about my question, I asked when each of you decided your orientation, when did you decide you would marry someone of the opposite sex. When did you choose, when did YOU choose.”
It was about this time that panel decided to break for lunch, and that those of us who still had questions could stay for a few minutes. We intended to pick up our stuff and get out (and shower) but got separated and the conversation continued with Michelle holding down fort with two of the ministers, and I got the other two. The Love in Action guy and the more ‘pastoral’ Nekko felt the need to talk to me. LIA asked if I had a card, and offered me his. He wanted to continue the conversation. I told him that I knew all about him, and his group, and that I had no need to talk to him. He said I didn’t know him. I said I knew enough. Nekko the youth pastor and I at least had an intelligent conversation about the collateral damage these kids have become.
We agreed that we come at the issue from different angles
me: oh, don’t tell me you believe anything in Leviticus… you have willingly thrown ‘catfish, shrimp and pork’ out, along with sleeping with your menstruating wife… so don’t use Leviticus as a bat to bash the kids with.
Pastor Nekko said..but Paul,
and I stopped him with- you have also discarded a lot of what Paul said. You are proof texting to make your point. What did Jesus or any of the prophets say about this? Do you think Jesus never met a gay guy, or there just wasn’t anybody there with a pencil to write it down?. At this point LIA says- Jesus never mentioned marijuana either… I looked him in the eye, and said ‘oh, you don’t get someone my age started about Pot… and hello that is not the issue.
I told them that I believe gay is not ‘broken heterosexuality’ but is something different, a different orientation.
In the end, we agreed that the kids need to hear a message that God loves them, and that we can talk about ways to do that. I gave him Will’s card, and suggested he stop by MGLCC, and visit with Will about how to help.
Michelle held her own, since she is not a Catholic, and can spout verses and numbers with the best of them. And her argument ended as well with quotes about love. We left shaking, teary eyed, but feeling like we had done our best, and that the Holy Spirit had been guiding us. It was a gut wrenching morning, and I hope I don’t have to do it again soon, but I may end up in dialogue with the young Pastor Nekko… And while I know that we didn't change minds... maybe we helped to plant the seed of a change of heart.
Then we got out of the building, still shaking, and headed home.
A shower, Hard Liquor and Potato Chips. And breathing… remembering to just breathe.
This Catholic Mom is headed to take a nap!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The 'others' are setting up camp...
Congratulations MGLCC, TEP and other LGBT active groups in our mid-south area. The equality work being done here is significant enough that the ‘family values’ folks have decided to open an office in our area. They will be setting up shop in the largest conservative church in the area. Monday, they will bring in the top dog in anti lgbt legislation for the ‘grand opening’. It will be kind of a nausea fest for those of us who care about equality. The debate happening in the community is how to/ or if to respond. I may go to hear the speaker. If I can get some anti nausea meds!
On another front, my buddy Ethel (Michelle) and I plan to visit the Urban Youth Initiative conference this weekend and sit in on the ‘dealing with homosexual youth’ workshop. We know we will be in the minority… in many ways, and we plan to listen to the presentation, and wait until the q & a session to challenge. We will be in a room full of folks who minister to urban youth. I imagine there may be several levels of conservancy in the room, but I believe these will be people who actually care about the kids in their care. I’m sure they have heard our message before, but we will repeat it. We are dealing with kids that they have poisoned with their rhetoric. We are dealing with the aftermath of their preaching. We are, at MGLCC, caring for kids whose parents have rejected them, based on church and societal messages. It needs to stop. We don’t need one more kid with pills in his hands and the need to end the pain. So we may not be any more effect than Lucy and Ethel when we take this on, but we are going to try. And if we get just one of them to stop, listen, think… it will be worth the price of the conference.
It is a busy week for This Catholic Mom. On Thursday we will meet to talk about the next steps to take with the CMGLP. I am excited and a bit anxious about this meeting. The other parents who are part of parent support have not been invited to the meeting, so I represent us all. And it will be “clergy heavy” which never bodes well for my agenda. There is a part of me saying – please, can we expand the outreach; please, can we talk to principals and guidance counselors; please, can we go to the folks where ever they are? And there is a part of me saying- girlfriend, what day do you have open? Can you handle the answer if it is yes?
Our young one seems to be having a good week. There is drama in the air, but he seems to be handling things calmly. And, again, I hate to say it aloud. We have had several good days in a row. His needs are great at the moment, because of all the therapy. He needs a ride out to group in the morning, home at lunch, then once or twice a week back to the same area for personal sessions. He is a bit labor intensive, but if this works it will all be worth it. And I’m trying not to notice his mom is posting updates on her FB page from the beach. Poor thing, she got sunburned.
I’ve got to get to the day job that allows me to do what I love. Have a good day ya’ll.
On another front, my buddy Ethel (Michelle) and I plan to visit the Urban Youth Initiative conference this weekend and sit in on the ‘dealing with homosexual youth’ workshop. We know we will be in the minority… in many ways, and we plan to listen to the presentation, and wait until the q & a session to challenge. We will be in a room full of folks who minister to urban youth. I imagine there may be several levels of conservancy in the room, but I believe these will be people who actually care about the kids in their care. I’m sure they have heard our message before, but we will repeat it. We are dealing with kids that they have poisoned with their rhetoric. We are dealing with the aftermath of their preaching. We are, at MGLCC, caring for kids whose parents have rejected them, based on church and societal messages. It needs to stop. We don’t need one more kid with pills in his hands and the need to end the pain. So we may not be any more effect than Lucy and Ethel when we take this on, but we are going to try. And if we get just one of them to stop, listen, think… it will be worth the price of the conference.
It is a busy week for This Catholic Mom. On Thursday we will meet to talk about the next steps to take with the CMGLP. I am excited and a bit anxious about this meeting. The other parents who are part of parent support have not been invited to the meeting, so I represent us all. And it will be “clergy heavy” which never bodes well for my agenda. There is a part of me saying – please, can we expand the outreach; please, can we talk to principals and guidance counselors; please, can we go to the folks where ever they are? And there is a part of me saying- girlfriend, what day do you have open? Can you handle the answer if it is yes?
Our young one seems to be having a good week. There is drama in the air, but he seems to be handling things calmly. And, again, I hate to say it aloud. We have had several good days in a row. His needs are great at the moment, because of all the therapy. He needs a ride out to group in the morning, home at lunch, then once or twice a week back to the same area for personal sessions. He is a bit labor intensive, but if this works it will all be worth it. And I’m trying not to notice his mom is posting updates on her FB page from the beach. Poor thing, she got sunburned.
I’ve got to get to the day job that allows me to do what I love. Have a good day ya’ll.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Quiet Saturday...
Saturday evening. It is quiet in the house. Steve has a bit of bronchitis, and has hit the hay early. The young one is upstairs taking a nap. He had a good day, and has friends coming in from his hometown, so he’s resting up for a late night of movie watching, at a friend’s house. Normal stuff. It was very nice to have a normal day. And I hesitate to say it aloud or write it… don’t want to tempt DRAMA.
Sunday we will be meeting to finalize the YES program. There is a ‘new host’ orientation scheduled in about two weeks. In a few minutes I will start to put together my part of the orientation presentation. And after that.. the FF Listening Parent Network reports need to be done. This is just a quick post, to say that tonight, in this house, things are good. Have a good weekend ya’ll!!
Oh, almost forgot. Visited with a friend who is going to act as a spiritual director for me. I felt a lot more at peace after visiting with him Friday night. This Catholic Mom is breathing evenly again.
Sunday we will be meeting to finalize the YES program. There is a ‘new host’ orientation scheduled in about two weeks. In a few minutes I will start to put together my part of the orientation presentation. And after that.. the FF Listening Parent Network reports need to be done. This is just a quick post, to say that tonight, in this house, things are good. Have a good weekend ya’ll!!
Oh, almost forgot. Visited with a friend who is going to act as a spiritual director for me. I felt a lot more at peace after visiting with him Friday night. This Catholic Mom is breathing evenly again.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
The only thing....
The only thing routine about our life is that there is no routine. The young one has taken leave on his job, and will work on therapy. Steve and I are comfortable with his decision, will continue to house him and pray that it all works out for him.
On other fronts: I am signing up for the lgbt session at Reload Memphis. I am going to try not to have assumptions going in, and am hopeful that there will be at least some positive messages given. Reload is designed for those working in various youth ministries, put on by the Urban Youth Initiative, Leadership Memphis and others. The literature doesn’t look promising, but I will listen to the presentation. In the worst case, I think it helps to know the poison if you are working with antidotes.
The full page ad, that Fortunate Families was a part of, in Boulder and Denver, Colorado has brought a lot of response thru emails. They were overwhelmingly positive and some jubilantly so. Only one (very) ugly message left on the organization voice mail. I have kept up with the topic, and the priest who started this firestorm seems to be grasping desperately for scriptures on which to hang this decision. He points out that Jesus did indeed turn some folks away, and uses as one of his examples the demonic cure. When Jesus had cast out the devil, the recently possessed asked if he could join the disciples. Jesus told him to go instead back to his home and tell them what He had done for him. (I should have copied that passage, but you get the drift)… At any rate, Fr. Breslin used that passage as saying Jesus turned folks away. Some of the comments I’ve seen have suggested that we send donations to Father, so that he can go to bible school.
MGLCC is getting ready to host the first YES host family orientation. I am excited to see what kind of response we get to the invitations. This weekend there will be a Town Hall meeting for MGLCC. I think the agenda includes looking at a revised mission statement, I need to pay a bit more attention, but I’ve got it on my calendar for Sunday afternoon.
My schedule next week also includes trying to get to the Advocacy session after the TEP meeting at MGLCC on Tuesday, and the CMGLP meeting on Thursday night. If you ever thought that you wanted to get involved in advocacy but didn’t know where to start, hang out with me for a week or so… you’ll find a place that your effort will be appreciated, and even though our dance seems to be one step forward, two steps back at times…. the music is wonderful.
On other fronts: I am signing up for the lgbt session at Reload Memphis. I am going to try not to have assumptions going in, and am hopeful that there will be at least some positive messages given. Reload is designed for those working in various youth ministries, put on by the Urban Youth Initiative, Leadership Memphis and others. The literature doesn’t look promising, but I will listen to the presentation. In the worst case, I think it helps to know the poison if you are working with antidotes.
The full page ad, that Fortunate Families was a part of, in Boulder and Denver, Colorado has brought a lot of response thru emails. They were overwhelmingly positive and some jubilantly so. Only one (very) ugly message left on the organization voice mail. I have kept up with the topic, and the priest who started this firestorm seems to be grasping desperately for scriptures on which to hang this decision. He points out that Jesus did indeed turn some folks away, and uses as one of his examples the demonic cure. When Jesus had cast out the devil, the recently possessed asked if he could join the disciples. Jesus told him to go instead back to his home and tell them what He had done for him. (I should have copied that passage, but you get the drift)… At any rate, Fr. Breslin used that passage as saying Jesus turned folks away. Some of the comments I’ve seen have suggested that we send donations to Father, so that he can go to bible school.
MGLCC is getting ready to host the first YES host family orientation. I am excited to see what kind of response we get to the invitations. This weekend there will be a Town Hall meeting for MGLCC. I think the agenda includes looking at a revised mission statement, I need to pay a bit more attention, but I’ve got it on my calendar for Sunday afternoon.
My schedule next week also includes trying to get to the Advocacy session after the TEP meeting at MGLCC on Tuesday, and the CMGLP meeting on Thursday night. If you ever thought that you wanted to get involved in advocacy but didn’t know where to start, hang out with me for a week or so… you’ll find a place that your effort will be appreciated, and even though our dance seems to be one step forward, two steps back at times…. the music is wonderful.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
The week in review, and a few random thoughts.
The young one came back to us on Saturday afternoon. He did not have a healing visit. He and mom still have problems. I am copying a section of a something I sent her by email on Friday.
You mentioned to us that R was a quiet book worm kind of kid until about 17.
I have been active in LGBT ministry for a few years. You know my church (most churches) has a habit of making gay kids feel unwelcome, and because I advise parents here… I felt that I needed to read everything out there to feel sure that I was on solid ground. Theologically speaking, to say that God loves us all, gay or not is easy to understand. However, what I’m finding in my reading, what I’m finding dealing with these kids, is that something happens at a point when they realize their same gender attraction, and how it can screw up their understanding of love. There are such negative messages attached to being gay- that love, becomes confusing. And who we love and how we love gets all tied up with society/church messages of ‘this love is wrong’
It would be about the time that R was old enough to date..that things began to go wrong. Bad choices, and truth issues. I heard you say a couple of times, this is not about being gay. Maybe it’s not. Or maybe it has roots in orientation, that even R can’t identify right now. I’m hoping that he will be able to sign up for and do the outpatient therapy. I think there is a real sweet soul inside that mixed up kid. We love him, and we will do the best we can to help him thru the next couple of months….
I hope she is willing to listen. He called frequently while he was away. We are part of his 'safety plan' and he is supposed to pick up the phone if he feels unsafe with his thoughts. He is planning to continue therapy, and look into an outpatient intensive program. This is his life. One day at a time he is responsible for his choices. We are just hoping that we can be a safety net for him, until he can feel safe with his choices.
On other fronts: Celebrated my birthday Saturday by participating in the St Paddy's day parade on Beale Street. We walked with the grandchildren, and MGLCC carrying our rainbow Italian peace flag. Had a great time with the young ones. In the photo below, we are on the far right, with the grandson hiding behing Pop's leg, and Grace in the stroller.
Another worry: There is a program coming to town in the next few weeks called Reload that works with youth ministers. We have concern about a session on lbgt youth that is scheduled. Looks like 'love in action.' I wonder when Churches will realize that they are complicit in making kids like our young one confused enough to attempt suicide.
And one last thought. This week a priest in Boulder decided that a preschooler and kindergartener may not return next year to school. His reasoning is that it will be harmful for the kids reconcile church teaching and their lesbian parents. Fortunate Families joined with 3 other national Catholic advocacy groups in running a full page ad, pointing out the pain that this decision will cause. http://coloradocatholicsconcerned.com/ At this site you will see our ad, and you can sign on with your support.
Oh, and I almost forgot. Several of us are meeting this week to talk about the future growth of CMGLP the diocesan ministry. There were only a few folks invited. It should be an interesting gathering.
Have a great week! I am still humming the God of second chances. Seems to be our theme here.
You mentioned to us that R was a quiet book worm kind of kid until about 17.
I have been active in LGBT ministry for a few years. You know my church (most churches) has a habit of making gay kids feel unwelcome, and because I advise parents here… I felt that I needed to read everything out there to feel sure that I was on solid ground. Theologically speaking, to say that God loves us all, gay or not is easy to understand. However, what I’m finding in my reading, what I’m finding dealing with these kids, is that something happens at a point when they realize their same gender attraction, and how it can screw up their understanding of love. There are such negative messages attached to being gay- that love, becomes confusing. And who we love and how we love gets all tied up with society/church messages of ‘this love is wrong’
It would be about the time that R was old enough to date..that things began to go wrong. Bad choices, and truth issues. I heard you say a couple of times, this is not about being gay. Maybe it’s not. Or maybe it has roots in orientation, that even R can’t identify right now. I’m hoping that he will be able to sign up for and do the outpatient therapy. I think there is a real sweet soul inside that mixed up kid. We love him, and we will do the best we can to help him thru the next couple of months….
I hope she is willing to listen. He called frequently while he was away. We are part of his 'safety plan' and he is supposed to pick up the phone if he feels unsafe with his thoughts. He is planning to continue therapy, and look into an outpatient intensive program. This is his life. One day at a time he is responsible for his choices. We are just hoping that we can be a safety net for him, until he can feel safe with his choices.
On other fronts: Celebrated my birthday Saturday by participating in the St Paddy's day parade on Beale Street. We walked with the grandchildren, and MGLCC carrying our rainbow Italian peace flag. Had a great time with the young ones. In the photo below, we are on the far right, with the grandson hiding behing Pop's leg, and Grace in the stroller.
Another worry: There is a program coming to town in the next few weeks called Reload that works with youth ministers. We have concern about a session on lbgt youth that is scheduled. Looks like 'love in action.' I wonder when Churches will realize that they are complicit in making kids like our young one confused enough to attempt suicide.
And one last thought. This week a priest in Boulder decided that a preschooler and kindergartener may not return next year to school. His reasoning is that it will be harmful for the kids reconcile church teaching and their lesbian parents. Fortunate Families joined with 3 other national Catholic advocacy groups in running a full page ad, pointing out the pain that this decision will cause. http://coloradocatholicsconcerned.com/ At this site you will see our ad, and you can sign on with your support.
Oh, and I almost forgot. Several of us are meeting this week to talk about the future growth of CMGLP the diocesan ministry. There were only a few folks invited. It should be an interesting gathering.
Have a great week! I am still humming the God of second chances. Seems to be our theme here.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
So come and rejoice....
This Sunday, in any church that uses a lectionary (and definitely Catholic Churches) we will hear the reading about the prodigal son.
In our life, this is the week of the prodigal son.
R will have the chance to reunite with the family of his birth, and I hope that this can be as successful.
Last week, when I was worried that there might not be a good end to his story, I happened across a cd that I keep in my car. IL DIVO, Christmas. I needed a moment of 'church music' on the way to work. I was praying for guidance, for the right words to say...
And I found the song Rejoice by accident. I have included the words here... but you really want to listen to the guys sing it. I moved from tears to joy in moments.
"Rejoice"
Where did I misplace my faith?
Where did I set it down?
Which one, the day that I forgot what this was all about?
And I came so close to throwing it all away,
But I'm taking it back again.
So come and rejoice,
Come and rejoice.
What was lost, is found.
Which is the day in which I forgot my faith and my feel,
my life was without-
living I want to share it...
I started to think to leave everything and forget,
but I return to begin.
So come and rejoice,Come and rejoice.
And you don't even have to make a sound.
I feel it in your touch, you say it with your eyes.
What was lost, is found.
So come and rejoice,Come and rejoice.
What was lost, is found.What was lost, is found
There is a joy in watching this child be found!
In our life, this is the week of the prodigal son.
R will have the chance to reunite with the family of his birth, and I hope that this can be as successful.
Last week, when I was worried that there might not be a good end to his story, I happened across a cd that I keep in my car. IL DIVO, Christmas. I needed a moment of 'church music' on the way to work. I was praying for guidance, for the right words to say...
And I found the song Rejoice by accident. I have included the words here... but you really want to listen to the guys sing it. I moved from tears to joy in moments.
"Rejoice"
Where did I misplace my faith?
Where did I set it down?
Which one, the day that I forgot what this was all about?
And I came so close to throwing it all away,
But I'm taking it back again.
So come and rejoice,
Come and rejoice.
What was lost, is found.
Which is the day in which I forgot my faith and my feel,
my life was without-
living I want to share it...
I started to think to leave everything and forget,
but I return to begin.
So come and rejoice,Come and rejoice.
And you don't even have to make a sound.
I feel it in your touch, you say it with your eyes.
What was lost, is found.
So come and rejoice,Come and rejoice.
What was lost, is found.What was lost, is found
There is a joy in watching this child be found!
Baby steps...
The kid has made it home. Been picked up a the bus station by his dad. Bless them all Lord, and give them the chance to get to know each other all over again. He'll be back here in a few days... But in the meantime, This Catholic Mom will get some sleep!
Monday, March 8, 2010
It's beginning to get to me......
A friend came to check on us, last weekend. He was concerned about the kid, and concerned as well about the toll this was taking on us. He asked if I had a spiritual advisor. And I heard myself say no, and I don’t want a catholic one. The church is complicit in this, and I don’t want to be preached to by folks who refuse to reach out to these kids.
And I don’t want a catholic one. Eek, I heard in my head. Eek said the current RCIA sponsor.
When Chris came out to us 10 years ago, we had neatly compartmentalized what I knew as Church teaching VS what I knew as my honorable son. At that time I could not have told you about informed conscience or the theologians that I now read. The info was in my brain somewhere, but it was buried, unimportant. I knew my child was who he is, an honorable, lovable person. And I knew God loves him as he is.
It was not until I began speaking with other parents, advising them, that I felt I needed backup. It was only when I went looking for positive information that I found so much negative. I know that the bishops spent inordinate amounts of money (the people’s money) to make mean spirited ads against same gender relationships. I know they drew the K of C into the fight with them. I know there are priests in this city, who will still rail against ‘the lifestyle’ in sermons.
So how did THIS CATHOLIC MOM get this far away… I don’t want a Catholic Spiritual Advisor. I have repeatedly tried to draw our Diocesan Ministry into outreach. The explanation at the moment is that we are a spiritual group, and our only purpose is spiritual growth and fellowship. It seems to me like we are hosting a banquet and leaving the hungry off the guest list. Yes, I am glad we are reaching out to practicing Catholics. Yippee. But what about the land mines we have left in the fields: the ‘recovering Catholics,’ or God Forbid, the children of those who have listened to some of our mean spirited church leaders.
There is ministry in this work, whether it is ministry blessed by bishops, ignored by archbishops or spurned by cardinals. I am sure this is where the Holy Spirit wants me to be, this is what I am supposed to be doing. I’m just concerned that my church is leaving this important work to secular groups. MGLCC saves lives, and gives souls another chance.
And if we can keep the kids away from the Church messages of ‘unworthiness’ we might just be able to help them grow into caring adults. Maybe I need a spiritual advisor from… MGLCC???
And I don’t want a catholic one. Eek, I heard in my head. Eek said the current RCIA sponsor.
When Chris came out to us 10 years ago, we had neatly compartmentalized what I knew as Church teaching VS what I knew as my honorable son. At that time I could not have told you about informed conscience or the theologians that I now read. The info was in my brain somewhere, but it was buried, unimportant. I knew my child was who he is, an honorable, lovable person. And I knew God loves him as he is.
It was not until I began speaking with other parents, advising them, that I felt I needed backup. It was only when I went looking for positive information that I found so much negative. I know that the bishops spent inordinate amounts of money (the people’s money) to make mean spirited ads against same gender relationships. I know they drew the K of C into the fight with them. I know there are priests in this city, who will still rail against ‘the lifestyle’ in sermons.
So how did THIS CATHOLIC MOM get this far away… I don’t want a Catholic Spiritual Advisor. I have repeatedly tried to draw our Diocesan Ministry into outreach. The explanation at the moment is that we are a spiritual group, and our only purpose is spiritual growth and fellowship. It seems to me like we are hosting a banquet and leaving the hungry off the guest list. Yes, I am glad we are reaching out to practicing Catholics. Yippee. But what about the land mines we have left in the fields: the ‘recovering Catholics,’ or God Forbid, the children of those who have listened to some of our mean spirited church leaders.
There is ministry in this work, whether it is ministry blessed by bishops, ignored by archbishops or spurned by cardinals. I am sure this is where the Holy Spirit wants me to be, this is what I am supposed to be doing. I’m just concerned that my church is leaving this important work to secular groups. MGLCC saves lives, and gives souls another chance.
And if we can keep the kids away from the Church messages of ‘unworthiness’ we might just be able to help them grow into caring adults. Maybe I need a spiritual advisor from… MGLCC???
Monday, March 1, 2010
My letter to the editor, written Monday- was published on Sunday. I did not know it would deteriorate to this point a few days.
Rejecting gay children inflicts harm
The author of the Feb. 21 letter "offering a way out of the gay life" says unequivocally there is a way out of homosexuality. I would suggest that she look at some of the psychological studies published in the past 25 years.
Her attitude matches those of the parents whose kids Wendi C. Thomas interviewed for her Feb. 11 column "Center has soft spot for kids in hard times." I do not know what causes a child to be gay, but I have seen firsthand the damage that can be caused by parents who reject these kids or try to change them. The rate of reported suicide attempts is more than eight times higher; depression and drug use are significantly higher in the rejected population as well.
The kids who were interviewed spoke honestly of the pain of that rejection. As a community, it is our responsibility to help these kids find shelter, hope and the chance at a future. The writer infers that these children are not as God made them. I believe they are. Jesus reached out to those whom society marginalized and showed them love. The Memphis Gay and Lesbian Community Center reaches out to these children, and offers them hope.
Thank you, Wendi, for spotlighting the wonderful work of MGLCC.
Deb Word
Memphis
The author of the Feb. 21 letter "offering a way out of the gay life" says unequivocally there is a way out of homosexuality. I would suggest that she look at some of the psychological studies published in the past 25 years.
Her attitude matches those of the parents whose kids Wendi C. Thomas interviewed for her Feb. 11 column "Center has soft spot for kids in hard times." I do not know what causes a child to be gay, but I have seen firsthand the damage that can be caused by parents who reject these kids or try to change them. The rate of reported suicide attempts is more than eight times higher; depression and drug use are significantly higher in the rejected population as well.
The kids who were interviewed spoke honestly of the pain of that rejection. As a community, it is our responsibility to help these kids find shelter, hope and the chance at a future. The writer infers that these children are not as God made them. I believe they are. Jesus reached out to those whom society marginalized and showed them love. The Memphis Gay and Lesbian Community Center reaches out to these children, and offers them hope.
Thank you, Wendi, for spotlighting the wonderful work of MGLCC.
Deb Word
Memphis
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